Let's Talk: Mental Health

S4 E4: Self

• Mental Health Foundation

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Today we’re talking about self. About how the relationships with ourselves can help or harm our mental health. And tips on ways to build a healthy relationship with you.

**Trigger warning this episode discusses an eating disorder**

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Guests on the show today? 

  • You’ll hear from Anna Archer. Anna is a 21-year-old successful content creator, podcaster and athlete who focuses on fitness, lifestyle and mental health. 
  • Next, you’ll hear from Gemma and Quinn, who are part of the MHF Young Leaders, they share their own personal stories about investing in the relationships with themselves to help their mental health. 
  • And lastly Sophie Peterman, Project Coordinator at the Mental Health Foundation, who will chat about why the relationship with ourselves matters to our mental health. 

Episode links:  


This podcast is brought to you by the Mental Health Foundation. It is a space for our guests to discuss their personal experience and express their opinions. Our guests’ opinions are their own and are not an official stance of the Mental Health Foundation. 

Need support?  

  • Call a helpline: Samaritans are available 24/7 for free on 116 123 (UK) and whatever you’re going through, they’re here to face it with you. 
  • Text a helpline: If you’re experiencing a personal crisis, are unable to cope and need support - but prefer to text than chat then reach out to Crisis Text Linet by texting Shout to 85258 (UK). 

Get emergency support:  

  • If you are thinking about ending your life, please call 999 (UK) or go to A&E and ask for the contact of the nearest crisis resolution team. There are teams of mental health care professionals who work with people in severe distress. 

Find information online:  

  • The Mental Health Foundation’s support page. It’s filled with information on different ways to get help and access support for your menta
Anna:

When I notice I'm distracting myself is where I know that I'm disconnecting from myself. And now I look back and I'm almost heartbroken because I'm like, what that girl was going through, to just not be able to sit with herself.

Sophie:

Sometimes we were kind of presented with this image of self care that they're really big grand gestures, but actually they can just be really small things but something that brings you comfort.

Gemma:

Mental health when it comes down to it. It is largely how you feel about yourself. And once you have that steady foundation, you have a concrete base that you can come back to and know you're going to be absolutely fine.

Bethan:

Hi, Welcome to Let's Talk: Mental Health. While we get together with different people and experts to chat about mental health. We all have mental health and we can all experience mental health problems. So on this podcast, we explore the topics that can affect how we think and feel. I'm your host Bethan Buswell, we'd love to hear what you think of the podcast. Please do subscribe, like, share and comment wherever you get your podcasts. Today, we're talking about how the relationships with ourselves can help or harm our mental health, and tips on ways to build a healthy relationship with you. Here at the Mental Health Foundation, we believe that investing in healthy relationships is important for our mental health, and that the best place to start is with the relationship with you. But we also know that we aren't always given the tools, education or environments in which we can learn how to do this or where our relationships with ourselves can flourish. However, it is never too late to start taking those steps to get to know you. Treat yourself kindly and take time to do the things you enjoy to protect your mental health. So we'll be exploring this and more in today's episode. You'll be hearing from Anna Archer, who is a fitness influencer, who shared the ups and downs of her relationship with herself with her followers. And then next you'll hear from Gemma and Quinn who are part of the Mental Health Foundation Young Leaders. They'll share their own personal stories about investing in the relationships with themselves to help their mental health. And lastly, you'll hear from Sophie Peterman, Programmes Coordinator at the Mental Health Foundation, who will be telling us about why all of these things really matter. This podcast is brought to you by the Mental Health Foundation. It is a space for our guests to discuss their personal experience and express their opinions. Our guests opinions are their own and are not an official stance with the Mental Health Foundation. If you'd like to join the conversation, online tag us at mental health on Twitter, or at mental health foundation on Instagram, and you can also find us on Facebook and LinkedIn. And now I'm joined by Anna Archer. Anna is a 21 year old who is a successful content creator, podcaster and athlete who focuses on fitness, lifestyle and mental health. She has just completed the London Marathon for the Foundation. The reason that she chose to take on such a tremendous challenge and raise money for us is very personal. Her mental health has had a journey of its own, which she talks openly about on a variety of different social platforms, and her podcast. She chats about all areas of her life, eating disorders, grief, relationships, social media, and more. And we're really lucky that she's

come on to the Let's Talk:

Mental Health podcast today. So thank you for joining us, Anna.

Anna:

Oh my gosh, thank you. This is really exciting. Yeah,

Bethan:

it's brilliant to have you here today. And today, we're talking all about the relationship with yourself, which I know you talk so openly to all of your followers about. So how has your relationship with yourself changed over time?

Anna:

So dramatically? Like I can't explain. I think the main switch was a large section of let's say when I was a teenager, it was very outward, I was people pleasing. I was dressing for other people, I was changing my body for other people. Everything was so externally driven... everything. So my sense of self was really lost because I was doing nothing essentially for myself. And then going into where I am now. I am my number one priority. And in not a typical selfish way that parents like to say like oh, you're being selfish, but yes, I am my number one priority and everything goes inward. I listen to my intuition. I listen to how am I doing what does this situation feel like for me? Does this person feel good? Does this relationship feel good? And I don't have to say yes to everybody. I can have a voice. So it has dramatically changed. And I like I'm so glad that this is the topic of today. Because I think it's literally the number one thing, when you have that sense of self, and you're so aligned with it. Does your mental health improve?

Bethan:

Yeah, it's, it's incredible to hear how far I guess your journey has gone. Because it resonates so much. We spoke to two young people earlier, and Quinn and Gemma, and they were saying initially, when you've not even got that concept of that you it can come out in lots of different ways, like you were saying. And I remember for myself, when I was in a work environment that was quite focused on how you looked or stereotypes of how you looked. That was a lot of where my identity went into maybe what size I was, how I looked, hair color, all that kind of thing. And hearing how you've gone along with your journey in this, I think a lot of people will probably resonate from, you know, where do you even start? You know, if you if you don't know, where do you even begin with that relationship with yourself?

Anna:

Yeah, completely, and what you said about that, it comes out in different ways. And I was so unaware, yeah you're so unaware, at the time, that you don't have a sense of self, and that your your mental health is bad. You just, you know, even if you have depression, you don't really know what's going on, what's triggering it, what all that stuff. I went through an eating disorder, anxiety, so much stuff, and I really feel that you have to go into really into the bad days into the bad weeks and months, and years. So when you come out of it, are you able to reflect and it's almost like the beauty and not the beauty of it, because you can gain advice 100%. But you really have to let yourself go into your bad day and learn it for yourself. Yeah. Which I think is, is something that I've really clocked on. Because sometimes I give myself a harsh time because oh, I should have known this when I was younger. Well, I couldn't have and to know that we're always trying our best is so important.

Bethan:

Has there been a time where you feel like you abandoned your relationship with yourself?

Anna:

Yeah, I have had years of if I look back at it now where I am now I would say you abandoned yourself. But the true true, I say lowest moments, I would say just before I went into recovery for an eating disorder, I can't even explain the level of distraction that I had to put myself through, so that I couldn't sit with myself like I couldn't even have two seconds of myself. And you can now look back. And I'm almost heartbroken because I'm like what that girl was going through, to just not be able to sit with herself. At this point. It was actually so hard because this was actually my rising point in my social media career. I was growing by 30,000 followers a month. And this was like the six month point, I think, or the fifth month point, I was earning the most money I had ever seen in

Bethan:

And I imagine as well, so many of our listeners, again, that month. would connect with what you've been through, but also can't imagine what the added element of it being so public does as well. For Mental Health Awareness Week in 2019, we focused on body image. And quite a lot of the people that we spoke about, spoke about what social media can do when feeling so seen all the time. And did that kind of add to it?

Unknown:

Definitely I I think what we need to know is our mental health should be our priority. And I've I think I did it in a place of fear to start with the day that I went into recovery. I put on my social media, I will not be on her for weeks and I ended up having six weeks off. So I went into this hibernation mode. I wore the baggy clothes so nobody could see I completely came off social media so nobody had to see my body and then it came to a point of me having to accept okay, this is a new body and then it was actually a pressure of social media is my job. I have contracts. Yeah. I have monthly deliverables that this is my income and this is an I also had a massive fear of if I didn't post I would lose my followings which I did slightly. Yeah. And that was a whole nother journey of not attaching myself worth to followers. And then going into I would actually say this summer, only this summer. That's a year and a half and I had stages where I did show my body more normally in summer when I felt more confident, but it was only until I've done the real therapy work, the heavy hardcore stuff the self love stuff. Yeah. Am I able to be unapologetically myself. And knowing that I don't have to show my body to social media, but knowing I don't have to hide and find that balance of posting when I want to? Yeah. And that's where I found the balance.

Bethan:

So you've spoken a lot about what happened before you kind of went into recovery and how it was kind of coming out. But could you go into that in a little bit more detail for our listeners of what did it look like? Or does it look like still sometimes to be detached from your relationship with yourself?

Anna:

I think for me, there is it's distraction, when I notice I'm distracting myself is where I know that I'm disconnecting from myself. So before it would be weeks, months of distraction every day, whether it was over exercising, whether that was toxic productivity, whether that was scrolling on my phone all day, it would be very large moments of time. They still happen, but 10 minutes, an hour, sometimes four hours. But the difference is I'm able to notice. So like, let's give a real raw example. Last night, I was slightly triggered into something. And I didn't realise at the time, but I started scrolling my phone. And it was about two and a half hours later. And it's when you're, you're not scrolling for fun, but like you're scrolling and you can't stop and I call it autopilot scroll. That's what I name it. I don't know whether it's a real thing. And for me, it's a really big indication that I'm not connected with myself. And it's really, this is like one of the things I've really learned, it's really hard to get off. And sometimes all I can do is literally turn my phone off and just not even move. In that moment. Try to take a deep breath, or try to like autopilot, go into the bathroom, or just move your state, maybe try put some music on. But that state of distraction is a really big indication that I'm disconnecting with myself. And yeah, there's, I think we'll talk about it later. But there's so many ways that you can connect back with yourself. And that is the difference in whether it lasts a week or whether it lasts an hour.

Bethan:

Is there anything else that you'd love to, I guess share with our listeners that has genuinely helped you - something you did something, I guess you said to yourself that's really helped you when you're feeling less connected, and everything feels a little bit gloomy?

Anna:

The thing that has helped me the absolute most in this journey, which I think everybody needs, is therapy. We act so much from our heart and a child, that when we go back, we go into therapy and we understand what actually caused us to struggle. And why we do certain things, why we people please why we can't speak up and why we avoid conflict and why we thought we need to change our body, we're able to notice it and pull the two situations apart. Okay, this present moment of my job situation has actually got less anxiety and stress attached to it and a lot more attached to when I felt pressured by my parents, so you're able to split it up. And then yeah, so I just feel like therapy is such an amazing thing. And I think one thing to understand is, if you're struggling, if you're struggling mentally, you most likely need therapy, even if you haven't been through a quote unquote, traumatic thing. And I think so many people think I've, I've spoken to some of my followers, and they're like, but I haven't had... my parents are still together and we have money and like I lived in a big house and like that doesn't matter. A child feels the way they need to feel like if you felt abandoned as a child, if your mum walked out while you were crying, that's how you felt, doesn't matter if you didn't have a death of a parent. And I guess that's hard to get through sometimes because most of the people that are speaking about mental health have been through a lot like for example me. Like rejection from my father then lost my father at 17. Sexual Abuse, there's been lots of different things. So yes, quote, unquote, I have that Complex PTSD, and I'm able to share a lot of the things that helped me but for the people that don't feel like they've had anything wrong with them in their childhood. If you're struggling, if you've gone through an eating disorder, if you have depression, if you just have a lack of self worth - therapy will help you

Bethan:

if our listeners are kind of feeling more in that disconnected and kind of not not feeling that great about the relationship with themselves. What What would it feel like for them, how could they recognise when the relationship with themselves is better? So what what does it feel like to you when you are fully connected to you?

Anna:

I felt like this is such a lovely question because I've done almost like two years of, let's say the work on yourself. But the last six months now, I'd say four months. And then the last month was like, exponential growth that I'm now at this point where like, I'm so ready to answer this question. And the first thing is, being able to love the present moment, I walk down to my local coffee shop with my headphones on listening to music, literally dancing through the street, not caring what other people think. And those moments of bliss. It is what it's all about these moments of going somewhere or, or doing nothing like being able to just lie down and rest. Being able to romanticise moments, is something like, I used to try get through my days, now I'm ready for my day, I want to just be in the day, I'm not trying to think about next month. Or think about what's, I'm so like I'm so ready to be in the present now, which something I definitely couldn't used to do. The second thing is being able to notice my triggers and regulate myself out of it. One thing that was one of my things, was I couldn't regulate myself. So if people don't know what regulation means, when you're in a triggered state, whether that's anxious, whether that's distracting yourself, whatever. That's a dysregulated state, and to get yourself out of that, regulating are forms of deep breaths, for me dancing, for me listening to music, shaking your body, having a shower, doing yoga, like there's lots of different ways, and those things bring us back to our self. And I've, that's one of the things it's like, you still get moments of these bad ish times we like to call it, whether you're lying in bed, whether you're frustrated with yourself, whether you're angry, like you don't feel amazingly 100% happy, which is normal, is to be able to notice what I'm in that state. get myself out of it, then assess what triggered me into it. Kind of almost do a like a mini healing session of like, what do you need to do next time? Yeah. Did you not speak up about something to your housemate? Right? You are actually not even next time because next time is not even a thing when you got them now and have a conversation with your housemate. So it's like those things. And now being in a position, it's so beautiful to be able to do that to myself to have my own back to know that I'm not afraid of going into the bad days anymore. To the bad moments. I don't even think it's bad, but it's a very good way to explain it. But like I'm not scared going in next I know how to get myself out of there myself.

Bethan:

Now I'm joined by Gemma and Quinn, who are part of the Mental Health Foundation Young Leaders, the Young Leaders in formed the Foundation's work with families, children and young people. And today, Gemma and Quinn are going to talk to you about their own relationship with themselves. So Hi, Gemma and Quinn, and thank you for joining us today. And so just wanted to start with what might feel like quite an obvious question, but some of our listeners might not have thought of themselves. But what does it mean to have a relationship with yourself? What does that mean to each of you?

Gemma:

I think it's just being comfortable in your own company and having a safe and enjoyable headspace that you can be in without being scared or upset or anything. And knowing and understanding your limits and your boundaries. So you know how to keep them and how and where to put them in place. And just being happy and confident with the person you are and the body you're in and knowing who you are as a person. So what you like what you dislike, what you want in life, what your priorities are, things like that.

Quinn:

I believe that it's about the way you treat yourself. It's connected to the relationships you have with others, the way you treat the things around you. It's the way you think about yourself and whether you can be patient if you made a mistake. Or if you can stand to be around yourself, whether you can look at old photos and smile, whether you can look at the mirror and be happy from what you see on the inside because no one knows you better than yourself.

Bethan:

Thanks that's really lovely. And how how do you build a healthy with relationship with yourself what goes into building a healthy relationship?

Quinn:

The way to build a healthy relationship with yourself will vary from person to person. There's many techniques and doing so. Some people use prompts some people like journaling some people just by writing it down. But the main thing is that you want to be treating yourself positively. What I try and do is what I like to call the loopback system. This is when you do or think something that's unproductive and then you're able to stop yourself and review the actual thought. How did it make you feel? how to make others feel? what was the main outcome? and then you learn from it and can change your action so they benefit you. The main thing is to be able to stop yourself and think clearly, you should able to rewire your thinking in a constructive way.

Gemma:

I think just having those boundaries I mentioned being both interpersonal and personal. So taking time off when you need it, saying no when you need it, and doing only as much as you're comfortable with, or being able to step away from a situation that you know is harming you. And just generally taking care of yourself, like your actual body, you know, like health, with the healthy, I don't like the word healthy - healthy foods. Exercise doesn't have to be formal, like running or anything, just enjoying life. Working through any insecurities, or anything you might dislike about yourself, because you need to like yourself in order to have a good relationship with yourself. And just being able to spend time with yourself and learn who you are.

Bethan:

And I think that gives our listeners lots of like, really nice practical things that they can do the loopback system sounds great, and working on those boundaries. So thank you for coming with so many great ideas. And for you with the way that you I guess, talk to yourself. Do either of you notice the way you speak to yourself, are you aware of what's going on with your internal monologue?

Quinn:

It really varies, sometimes it will be completely out of my mind. And I'd be feeling really down about something like if I was to not do well to my standards on a test, and I'll be end up beating myself up, I'm like, Oh, I can't be smarter, you studied so much for nothing, then it's like late at night, and it's like two o'clock in the morning. And I'm thinking to myself, wait a minute, at least I'm trying, at least I'm putting the effort in. So it's me finally realising that I'm speaking so negatively about myself, which is unfair to all my effort and my learning. And to me, I like to think about as if I'm speaking about a best friend. I'd never say the sort of things about them. So why should I say about myself?

Gemma:

I notice quite very often I'm quite an introspective person. But it can be difficult to change the way you think about yourself, you kind of get stuck in this habit or the cycle of negative self talk. And it can really be really difficult to break yourself out of that.

Bethan:

And again, it's lots of, I guess, really interesting ways that our listeners can think about the way that they they talk to themselves like, it does sound so simple to think about speaking to yourself the way you would have friends, but we can get so stuck in our own minds that we can start being mean to ourselves before we've even realised. So yeah, really, really helpful things. And what are boundaries you have put in place to protect your relationship with yourself?

Gemma:

Mostly habits, kind of making sure you have a good sleep schedule down having your routines that you can rely on and fall back on. To prioritise yourself and your health, mental and physical. Being able to leave or extricate yourself from toxic environments or friendship issues or anything that's you realise his hurt harming your mental health. Or if you can't do that, finding a way to make yourself be able to be more comfortable with it. I personally I don't do something like one my boundaries is that I don't do intense or focus work focused work after dinner time. So I kind of let that be my wind downtime to make sure that I have to have a cutoff point. And also just making sure your prioritising your relationships with other people. So I try to reply to my friends as quickly as I can and make sure I maintain those relationships. So it's not, I don't end up feeling lonely or any kind of self like low self esteem because I haven't maintained any of the friendships.

Quinn:

It isn't just about having boundaries with yourself is about having boundaries with other people too. So if you notice you have a negative relationship with yourself, you're probably going to end up realising that this may reflect in relationships you have with others. So you need to sometimes have really clear cut boundaries with others to, for example, other things you won't discuss at all with other people, and what you're going to do if they keep on pushing it. toxic relationships come in so many shapes and forms but the simple rule is, if you end up regularly feeling more drained with them and dread being with them, more often than not, it's not healthy and something to try to avoid. And then similarly if I noticed that I feel even worse talking to myself, instead of being able to feel content, then that is when I know I need to stop, take a moment and do something else. Most of the time trying to argue Myself, right after difficult moment will result in disaster, listening to music, doing something distracting. And coming back to it when I'm feeling clearer tends to be healthier for me, knowing when to stop is incredibly important.

Bethan:

So again, really, really interesting answers there's, I really liked Gemma that there was things that are really specific boundaries to you, such as like you're saying not doing kind of the intense work after dinner. And it hopefully can show our listeners that boundaries can be really individual as well, we're all different so our boundaries can be different. So it's important to get to know ourselves to find out that and, again, Quinn what you were saying with it kind of almost feels like that listening to your body. If you're around someone and you're feeling exhausted, then taking that time to step away can be a good way to invest in the relationship with yourself. So have there been times when you felt less connected to yourself? And how does that make you feel?

Quinn:

This is why knowing when to stop is incredibly important. Sometimes when things get distressing it is easier to distract yourself and not focus on the problem. When you do this, for far too long, the problem only continues to grow like it's a weight, you're holding you back, you start to begin to feel like numb, because you get desensitised to this problem like hanging over shadow like your head. So like, it's like you're mindlessly watching the video in the background. It makes me more numb and stressed. And it is the spiral of feeling worse and worse, and then you end up distracting yourself more. And then you feel even more worse than when you began.

Gemma:

Personally, I've struggled with food and that's disrupted my relationship with myself a lot. It's almost like the lack of nutrients like get makes a wall within my head space. Your Person is made of your mind and your body and you can't have a good relationship with one without having a good relationship with the other. So your relationship with your body will always spiral back to your relationship with your mind. And it can make you feel so alone. At the end of the day, all you have is yourself. And if you don't like that person, if you don't like being with yourself, then it's difficult. And like Quinn said, when you're stressed out it can you kind of forget about yourself, you only focus on your work or whatever is stressing you out. And you kind of lose perspective on everything else in the world, everything else in your life, that it just becomes this one sole thing that you're worried about. And you get tunnel vision. So that can disrupt the relationship that you have with yourself as well.

Bethan:

And I think that leads so nicely onto the next question, which I think you've like answered quite a bit of and given us some good examples, but But what do you do during those times, you know, are the ways that you bring yourself back to you if you're feeling that little bit less connected?

Gemma:

Something I've been trying recently is doing what all the self help people on the internet try to tell you to do meditation. Just noticing your thoughts, noticing how you're speaking to yourself and detaching yourself from them. Because you aren't your thoughts. You're not your feelings. You're you're the person you are you at your your moral beliefs and ethical beliefs. Like I said, meditation, making sure you've got the constants in life. So your sleep and your water, you're drinking enough water, things like that. And then if if you're feeling detached from yourself, because you're overwhelmed or stressed, you've got to take breaks, get yourself some perspective, doing things for pure enjoyment and not work. So whatever you like doing, it'd be drawing or music or movement or anything like that. And just making sure you prioritise and make room for spending time with people you love and making sure you spend time with yourself and with your thoughts. Like I said, You got you aren't your thoughts, but you've got to learn to live with them. So you've got to try and work with them and try to make them easier to bear.

Quinn:

What Gemma said about the thoughts. It's similar to intrusive thoughts, people when they have intrusive thoughts, they tend to start panicking and they build on the spiral of "oh my god, I'm a horrible person", when the truth is that this is just your thoughts, you are not your thoughts, but it's kind of like you should think of them as if you're holding them in a bag with you. You should be able to think you should like similar with your opinions. You should be able to change them out. You can hold on to them, but they are not you. And when I feel less connected to myself, I also become numb and desensitised. It's it's like a blank emotional state. So I like to bring myself back to Earth. And that tends to be through writing actually. So I sit down and I type for however long I want to until everything I'm thinking is on the page, just typing mindlessly. And then I read through it, I can clearly see my own thoughts. And that brings myself back to me. I can see what I'm actually thinking, go hey mate, that's no good, and then change their way of thinking.

Bethan:

Thank you guys. And lastly, how did you learn to create a healthy relationship with yourself? And do you feel that this is benefited your mental health? Have you noticed the benefits for your mental health?

Quinn:

I believe that you never stop creating a healthy relationship with yourself. You can constantly work on it, learn how to be more forgiving, learn how to enjoy your time with yourself and others learn how to be independent but still let others in. I finally started when I was at my lowest point, realising that if I did go any lower, that would be the point of no return. It was like a final self reflection. Think about the way I saw myself instead of who I was. That cleared up a lot of issues with myself. And since then it was a slow climb to feeling better. Sometimes I try focusing on being grateful. Sometimes I talk to my friends for a good time. Sometimes I spend time in the garden or writing to appreciate myself. And that's the main thing. Being able to appreciate yourself your hard work you've been here, I'm still working on it. But it definitely has benefited my mental health. It feels less like a challenge to be with myself, but more like a time of discovery. Now I can look back on myself and smile.

Gemma:

My answer is the same as Quinn's, I first started making my relationship, good relationship with myself when I hit absolute rock bottom, and I knew I couldn't be there again. And it's still like Quinn said, it is still a constant work in progress. But I'm still learning about how to do it, but as long, but I find that as long as I'm okay with myself. And as long as I'm able to be on my own and not feel lonely or upset or struggle like I did when I was at my lowest point, then I'm going to be okay, and I can work through whatever I'm going through because time never stops. Whatever you're stressing about will pass, that will, it'll come and go. And whatever you're really enjoying, that's going to come and go as well. So you've got to take notice of what you're grateful for in life and kind of realise that whatever you're stressing about, it will end at some point and it will, you will get past it. But other than that, I think as long as you trust yourself and find things that you enjoy or find ways to make yourself happy. So maybe going back and thinking about what you liked as a kid what foods you liked, what sports or activities or stupid little things that your kid brain loves, that you haven't done in years can be a really great way to start making healing your relationship with yourself. So I definitely think that it's helped my kind of mental health generally, because I think it is, mental health when it comes down to it, is largely how you feel about yourself and how you feel about your kind of body and mind and how you are able to be in your own company. And once you have that steady foundation, once you have that constant in your life, you can come back to it when everything else is changing. When everything else is overwhelming or stressful, you have a concrete base that you can come back to and know you're going to be absolutely fine.

Bethan:

So now I'm joined by Sophie Peterman, who is Project Coordinator for the peer education project at the Mental Health Foundation. Sophie is going to talk to us about why having a healthy relationship with ourselves is important for our mental health. Thanks for joining us today. Sophie, it's my pleasure. Thank you for having me. So first, I just wanted to ask, why is investing in a relationship with ourselves important for our mental health and well being.

Sophie:

I think it's really important to invest in our relationship with ourselves because it helps us become more in tune with how we're feeling and what our needs are. And we can do this mainly actually by putting in time to practice self care. So this can include doing things that we enjoy, or just things that bring us comfort and by giving ourselves this time to do these things. It helps us to develop an understanding of what our needs are, and how we can meet them, which is really important supporting our mental health and well being. And it's really important not just so that we have our own toolkits to know what works for us and supporting our own mental health and well being but to know what we can say to others so that they know how to support us so that we can advocate for ourselves as well.

Bethan:

So you mentioned just then self care. Some people might have heard this a lot or seen this a lot on social media. Can it be small things? You know? Does it have to be a full on day out at the spa? Or like making big plans with your friends? Or can it be? Is there little bits of self care that someone could try and introduce?

Sophie:

definitely, I think sometimes we're kind of presented with this image of self care that they're really big, grand gestures that you do for yourself that involve a lot of time or money. But actually, they can just be really small things, it could even be as small as just taking 30 seconds to do some mindful breathing to help yourself. Or, you know, giving yourself that one extra hour of sleep in bed, it can be really small things, but something that brings you comfort, and something that brings you kind of care and joy.

Bethan:

Yeah, and that sounds really doable. And like you said, it's gonna be different to each person, isn't it. So it's thinking about what small thing you could bring in, which kind of tells yourself, you're like, I guess putting yourself first for a small moment of time.

Sophie:

And I think it's important to have ideas for yourself of something that can be small, something that can fit within five minutes, or something that can be bigger. So you might want to actually think, once a month, I'm going to have a self care afternoon. And I really love walking. So actually, I'm going to pick this route, or I'm going to pick this place to go to and walk around it. And actually, that's a bit of self care. I know I've got to look forward to in two or three weeks time.

Bethan:

And we know that for some people, they can find it harder than others to connect with themselves or check in with how they're feeling. I've got a friend that wasn't really raised on a vocabulary of kind of talking about emotions, they were raised more on practically supporting each other in their family. So when it came to expressing within friendships and things like that, it was so hard for them to find the words about how they were they were even feeling themselves because they hadn't grown up practicing to talk about it, or tune in to how they feel regularly. So is there any tips and advice for anyone that it feels really new? Like? They see people talking about it all the time, or they might see influencers talking about different emotions and being really like emotionally aware or aware of their mental health and they feel so far away from that is what what can they do to begin, I guess, their journey to this?

Sophie:

Yeah, I think my advice would actually be starting there, realising that this is a journey, it's not something that you're going to have that moment of, I want to feel more in tune with myself and how I feel and being able to express my feelings and actually being able to realise this is something that might take time for me and something that I'm going to sort of work towards. And I think when you give yourself the time to grow and develop into it, you're not putting that pressure on it. I think it's you know, connecting with yourself isn't about having everything figured out or knowing exactly who you are or what you need. It's about finding those ways that we can support ourselves and do those things for ourselves that are going to help us feel comforted. And I think starting with something small. So this might be as simple as brushing your teeth every morning. And recognising that you've done that you've achieved that and celebrating that for yourself can be a really important part, being your own friend and your own cheerleader to celebrate the small wins and the small moments that you have for yourselves is really important. I think recognising that it's difficult. I think actually, that in itself is really important to recognise that this is challenging. And I'm not always going to get this right. But one way that you can sort of support yourself through that, or at least I find that I feel supported through it is trying to listen to my body. So I cry a lot. And actually, it really helps me if I am feeling that sort of pressure and that feeling within my body that I need to cry. I really try and listen to that. And I go and find whether it's a quiet space on my own, or whether it is a person that I trust, and that brings me comfort, I try and find a space that I can let that out. And sometimes I'll have a cry. I don't necessarily know what the feeling is. And I might not understand what it is that's making me feel that way. But recognising that my body's telling me something my body feels like it needs a cry. There might be some deeper feelings going on under here that I maybe need to take a minute to either write in a journal to see if I can figure them out. Maybe I need to sit and I need to chat with someone whether that's going to be helpful to sit with someone that I know and chat to or whether actually I need someone that I don't necessarily know that might just have some good advice to just try and listen to what my body is telling me because sometimes it knows things before I feel like I do.

Bethan:

I remember speaking to a therapist, and I was like I've done lots of work on boundaries and I don't understand why I'm still not further along with it and I'm not really able to articulate it with others or I understand it in myself. And she said, to bring it back to the body. So I wasn't at that point where I could articulate it to others, or I could even know what they were for me. But when I brought it back to listening to my body, so is my chest getting tight, am I feeling anxious and my muscles getting tight? When I'm around someone, or maybe when I'm pushing myself too far - is my body trying to tell me I'm burnt out is my body trying to tell me that maybe the way someone's behaving isn't okay for me. And starting with that, I could kind of start to notice, oh, this is where my boundaries lie. And then I could move from recognising in my body to be able to articulate it to myself, and then be able to tell others what they were. Is the body a really important part of that?

Sophie:

I think stress is a really good example we can use to understand this. experiences that happen in the body, when you are experiencing stress could be tension in your shoulders, your neck, you might get headaches, you might have funny tummy, you might have all of these physical feelings going on, that you might be too busy or too focused on other things to realise that those are stress or connect them to your experiences and your feelings of stress, but actually being able to tune in with your body and realise, oh, actually, yeah, my shoulders are really tense, and they're right up by my ears. And that's not that's not feeling comfortable for me. What's going on? Why am I feeling this sort of tension, it can help us it can almost be sort of the beginning of figuring out what's actually going on and what's perhaps deeper underneath and understanding our feelings, and then being able to help ourselves understand our needs.

Bethan:

That's really, really helpful. And I think you've then answered the next question as well, which was, you know, how can someone work on their relationship with their body to help their well-being I guess, a really good place to start, is that noticing those feelings of stress that are probably familiar to all of us at some point in our, in our lives?

Sophie:

Definitely, I think I think there's lots of different ways that someone can do it. And I think it is about trying different things to find what works for you, you know, whether this is doing some body stretches to notice where the areas of tension and maybe are in your body, whether that is trying to do some mindfulness or some meditation, to sort of figure out how your body is feeling. It could be doing some physical activity that you're quite used to seeing if your body feels any different. See, if there are sort of changes in how you're engaging with the activity, it's, it could really be lots of different things. And it is about finding what works for you. But being able to connect with your body and check in with your body and how it's feeling really can help you to start figure out figuring out the bigger picture.

Bethan:

Yeah, it's so good. I feel like so many things you've said today, I'm definitely going to go away and practically try loads of them. So I definitely think there's lots for our listeners to do as well. So finally, the last question is, what is your favorite way to invest in the relationship with yourself.

Sophie:

So I try and do this at least once a month. And I am one of those people that can sometimes really value having time with myself to invest in myself and my relationship with myself. And that can feel really great. Sometimes other times it can feel really uncomfortable and awkward. So what I normally do is I go for a walk as part of what I do, knowing that walking and being out with nature is something that does help your mental health and can improve your mood. So I always like to do that before I then go and do an activity or something for myself, because it puts me in a better sort of mood. So even if I know I might feel a bit uncomfortable later, spending some time with myself, I've already kind of helped myself get into a better mood to then spend time with myself. And what I do is I love reading and I love having just a walk around a bookshop, picking up books or having a short little read of all the blurbs and I'll can honestly walk around there for ages. And then I'll pick a book. And I'll go and find a coffee shop and I'll get a pastry because pastries are lovely, and a coffee or hot chocolate. And then I just sit and I have my treats and I read my book and it's time that I know that I'm spending with myself and I'm investing in myself. But I'm also doing things to help myself feel less uncomfortable with it. So I've done that work before. When I'm reading a book I'm not sitting with my thoughts I'm exploring a different topic or another story with other people in it so I can feel connection to other things whilst I'm connecting to myself which can help it feel a bit less uncomfy.

Bethan:

Thank you to Gemma, Quinn, Anna and Sophie for

joining me on Let's Talk:

Mental Health. I've been your host Bethan Buswell and I hope this episode has helped you think about your relationship with yourself. All of the resources we've mentioned in this episode are available in the podcast notes and on our website. We're continuing this conversation over on our social channels. If you'd like to share your thoughts on today's episode, remember to tag the Mental Health Foundation. If you've been affected by any of the topics that have come up on today's episode then, please remember that Samaritans are available 24/7 for free in the UK, all you have to do is call them on 116 123. And whatever you're going through, they're there to face it with you. If speaking on the phone is too difficult and you prefer to text then get in touch with Crisis Text Line by texting SHOUT to 85258. And if you're feeling like ending your life, please call 999 right now or go to A&E and ask for the contact of the nearest crisis resolution team. These are teams of mental health care professionals who work with people in severe distress. If you would like more information on where to get support for your mental health, visit mental health.org.uk/get-help and remember you and your mental health matter. Thank you so much for listening and take care